Last week I got an email from Nicole in France. It read:
I have been visiting your blog for quite a long time...
I have been asked this question : how can I prepare my young child and explain the absence of his father for 4 month.
I remembered that you seem to live the same situation and I wandered if you could share your experience???
How and what do you say to your childrens??
I am the mother of five(triplets number three) but my husband always stayed home...My father was away alot but it was for books and I know it was a "fête" when he came back..that is all I remember.
It is This young mother's first child and she was looking for a book or experience ...
Can you help us?
Thank you
Nicole (from France)
I get emails similar in subject to this at least once or twice a month. I have always just replied back to the email and have never posted much about how we deal with S being gone. But I am finding it is time to share what our family does and how we cope with him being away. I think there should be two parts to this. One, how I help the boys deal with his absence. And then two, how I deal with it myself. And I do not want in any way to say that this is a complete list of ideas or that I have the perfect answer to every family's situation. So please, feel free to add information in the comments section. Oh, and we are a military family, but many of these ideas and links would be helpful in any family where either parent is away for extended periods of time. Here we go.
1. Talk about Daddy. Don't ever be afraid that by talking about him you will upset the kids or make them miss him more. They need to know that he is still apart of the family and WILL be coming back. I find that when we haven't mentioned him in a few days or so, the boys will start asking things like "I wonder what Dad is doing right now?" or "Can I draw him a picture?" I take that as my cue that they are missing his presence in our home and that I need to provide some activity that will bridge the gap between them.
2. Make a care package. We do this about once every other week making sure to include gluten free snacks, artwork from the boys, and anything else they want to send. Zane has even sent one of his rescue heros to S.
3. Magic mailbox. When we took our old mailbox down because it wouldn't stay closed and the mail was getting wet, I this idea for a magic mailbox. The idea is that the boys put letters, pictures, schoolwork, into the mailbox and overnight it magically is sent to Dad. The next morning (or whenever) a reply message appears in the mailbox from him. (The low down: I take the items out of the mailbox and send S an email describing the items. He sends an email back thanking the boys for whatever it was they sent and includes and encouraging word or a detailed description of something he is planning to do with them upon his return. I print the email off and place it into the mailbox for the boys to find the next morning.) This has been an amazing tool for us.
4. Daddy dolls - These would be so easy to make with printable fabric. And they have more ideas for Beating Deployment Blues here.
5. Keep your routine (as much as possible). I know it is harder to get out the door without an extra set of hands. But keeping your routine as close to the same as when he is home is crucial in my opinion. Soccer and birthdays and holidays are not put on hold just because he is gone.
3. Take care of yourself. No one else will. Of course if you have family and friends around to help you in his absence, YES, by all means enlist them. But you are ultimately the one who has to hold it all together. More on that in the next post.
4. Read books about daddy. Some of our favorites are:
I Love My Daddy Because..., by Laurel Porter-Gaylord. My two year old especially loves this one. It talks about all of the wonderful things Daddies do for their kids. They keep them safe, they teach them how to climb, etc.
I Love My Daddy, by Sebastian Braun
My Daddy and Me, by Amy Skylansky
The Magic Box, recommended by another military mom friend
A Paper Hug - A boy finds that the best gift he can give his Daddy while he is away is a paper hug.
Night Catch, - This is my older boys favorite book to read when they are thinking about S. It talks about a special game to play with your daddy when he is away using the stars. Really great.
5. Count down the homecoming! - My friend Ambre has a calendar similar to an advent calendar with one pocket for each of the weeks her husband is gone. You could do the same thing with a pocket for each day he is gone, but for a regular Navy deployment (six months), that would be a lot of pockets (and gifts). I saw an idea from anothe mother in Wondertime magazine that she had made a paper chain with the same number of paper loops as days her husband would be gone. Then she and her son would take one loop off of the chain each night before bed. I think anyway to make the passing of time more easily understood is great for little ones, even if it is just marking days off the calendar.
6. Get together with other families whose daddies are away. - One of the best things about living where we do is that the boys are surrounded by other kids with parents are gone from time to time. In their classrooms they hear from their friends that their dads are leaving and coming home. We celebrate homecomings with other families and my boys know it is just a matter of time before we are celebrating their daddy's homecoming.
7. Use photos! - We have photos of each of the boys with their dad framed and in their room. Wyatt's is on his dresser. Ian keeps his in one of the cargo pockets on his bed comforter and Zane keeps his in the playroom. You can make books from photos about what things you have done with dad and things you look forward to doing upon his return.
8. Map it - We have a large world map in our playroom with a pin on the country S is currently in and a photo of him next to it. We have gotten online and looked up what children in that country look like, what they eat, etc. I think this helps them have a better picture in their head of where he is.
More resources:
Parents Magazine - Dealing With A Parent's Absence
Sesame Street - Talk, Listen, Connect - Sesame Street has put together a really great video for children who have a parent away. It was put together for military families, but I think any family could benefit from the information. They also have a free kit for families who are separated.
I know there are a million things I have forgotten and other parents who have wonderful ideas. So, really, if you have an idea that other familes need to know about, please feel free to post them here. I will put together a master list and post it in my sidebar.
P.S. I would have taken some photos of our mailbox, map, etc. but the camera is broken again. Ugh!